The ability to recognize and consciously shape our own thoughts plays a key role in managing stress. This process is called cognitive restructuring, which essentially means starting to interpret the situations we face from a different perspective. Often, it is not the situation itself that triggers tension, but how we think about it.
The first step is to notice those quick, automatic negative thoughts that pop up under stress. They run through our heads almost unnoticed, yet they strongly influence how we feel. These thoughts are often exaggerated and do not reflect reality, yet they increase anxiety.
Cognitive distortions are automatic thinking patterns that twist our perception of reality and often contribute to lasting stress, anxiety, or negative emotions. They often operate unnoticed, which is why recognizing and becoming aware of them is especially important. The more often we notice them in our own thinking, the better chance we have to change them.
Common Cognitive Distortions:
- Focusing only on the negatives:
In these cases, we tend to notice only the bad things, while positive events fade into the background. For example, you might have several good experiences during the day, yet a single negative event defines your overall mood.
- Black-and-white thinking:
We see things in extremes: something is either completely good or completely bad. There is no middle ground, no “good enough.” This easily leads to dissatisfaction and excessive self-criticism.
- Generalization:
We draw far-reaching conclusions from a single negative experience. If something doesn’t work out once, we might tend to think, “I’ll never be able to do this.”
- Discounting the positives:
When something goes well, we tend to brush it off, attributing it to luck or saying, “it doesn’t even matter.” This prevents successes from building our self-confidence.
- Magnifying the negatives:
A small mistake or problem seems disproportionately large, as if it defines everything. This increases anxiety and feelings of helplessness.
- Fortune-telling and mind-reading:
We assume in advance what will happen (usually with a negative outcome), or we believe we know what others are thinking about us, mostly something negative. These assumptions are often not based on real facts.
- Self-blame:
We tend to blame ourselves for everything, even when the situation depended on many factors or was beyond our control.
- Unrealistic expectations:
We set too high, often impossible standards for ourselves. We feel we must always perform perfectly, which results in constant pressure and dissatisfaction. This is the “I should have…” way of thinking.
- Labeling:
Based on a single mistake or trait, we attach general, negative labels to ourselves or others, such as “I’m clumsy” or “they are unreliable.” This simplifies and distorts reality.
The most important step regarding these patterns is to recognize them in our own thinking. Every time we notice such a distortion working within us, it gives us an opportunity to think more consciously and realistically. In the long run, this significantly contributes to emotional balance and building resilience.
Examine Your Thoughts
Once you have identified your negative thoughts, the next step is to consciously examine them. It’s worth asking yourself a few questions: Is there really evidence that what I’m thinking is true, or is it just an assumption? Is another explanation possible? What would be the worst outcome, and how could I handle it?
The next part of the process is to replace previous, distorted thoughts with a more balanced, realistic approach. This doesn’t mean you have to be unrealistically positive; it’s about seeing the situation more objectively. For example, instead of “I’m definitely going to fail,” you could think that you are prepared, you will try to do your best, and if you still make a mistake, it’s natural and provides an opportunity to learn.
It also helps to focus on solutions instead of dwelling on problems. For instance, if you’re worried about not finishing a task on time, it’s better to think about how to better manage your time or prioritize your to-do list.
It is important to understand that this method is not about suppressing negative thoughts. Rather, it is about relating to them in a more conscious, balanced way, and not letting them automatically control your feelings and behavior. This is a skill that becomes more natural with practice and, over time, can make handling stressful situations much easier.
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Changing Your Thoughts
Once you can recognize and identify cognitive distortions, the next vital step is to consciously change these thoughts. It’s not about suppressing or “forbidding” negative thoughts, but about developing more realistic thinking instead.
Research supports that our thoughts and emotions are closely linked, and often it’s not the emotion that appears first—rather, our thoughts determine how we feel. In other words, if you manage to change your thinking, your emotional reactions will change too.
Putting it into Practice
Putting this into practice involves several steps:
- First, become aware of the thought appearing in a given situation. What flashed through your head? Often, this is a quick, automatic sentence you might not have even noticed before.
- Next, question the truth of this thought. Is it completely true? Or is it an exaggeration, an assumption, or perhaps a conclusion drawn from a past experience? What is the evidence that this is true?
- Recall successful moments. It can help to remember situations where you were successful or when you were able to cope with a difficulty. Similarly, it’s important to consciously think about your own strengths and abilities.
- Form a new, balanced thought. It’s important that this isn’t unrealistically positive, but based on reality. The goal isn’t to force “everything will be perfect” type thoughts on yourself, but to interpret the situation realistically.
For example, instead of the thought “I can’t do anything right,” you could phrase it as: “This was a difficult situation, so it didn’t go the way I wanted it to.” This is a thought that doesn’t deny the difficulty and doesn’t destroy your self-confidence.
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Examples of Reframing Thoughts
Here are some everyday examples of how to reframe an automatic negative thought in a more conscious, realistic way as a caregiver for a loved one with dementia:
- “I don’t do anything right.”
→ “This is a very difficult situation, and it’s impossible to do everything perfectly. I still do many things well.”
- “They didn’t understand me again; I must have said it wrong.”
→ “Because of the dementia, it’s hard for someone with dementia to understand things. This isn’t my fault; I can try again.”
- “I can’t take this anymore.”
→ “I am very tired right now. I need a little rest.”
- “I’m a terrible caregiver because I got annoyed.”
→ “This is a demanding situation; it’s natural to get tired or tense sometimes. I still care about my loved one with dementia and I’m doing my best.”
- “It will never get better.”
→ “This is a hard period, and there are worse days. But there have been calmer moments before.”
- “I shouldn’t have said/done that.”
→ “It’s easy to see things differently in hindsight. Next time I can try a different way; I’m learning from this too.”
- “It’s just problems all day long.”
→ “There were difficulties today, but there were better moments too.”
- “Others would surely do this better.”
→ “Every situation is different, and I am trying to provide the best I can within my own possibilities.”
- “We aren’t making any progress.”
→ “Progress might be slow, but that’s okay.”
These examples show that this isn’t about “sugarcoating” reality, but about not distorting the situation in an overly negative direction. Reframing can help us feel less helpless, inadequate, or unfortunate, helping us stay more emotionally balanced in our daily lives.
As you practice this process more often, it will become more natural, and over time, you will be able to react to the challenges and problems you face more realistically and calmly.
Remember: you cannot pour from an empty cup. Your well-being matters just as much as your loved one’s. For more support on navigating guilt, preventing burnout, and building emotional resilience, visit our Caring for the Caregiver: A Guide to Mental Health and Emotional Resilience – Dementia in Practice Sanctuary. You are not alone in this journey.
Important Disclaimer
The information and advice presented on this website and in this article are for informational purposes only. They do not constitute a medical diagnosis or individual therapeutic recommendations. The operator/author of the website assumes no liability for any direct or indirect damages, health issues, or misunderstandings resulting from the use of this information. Everyone applies the described methods at their own risk. Please consult your physician before making any lifestyle changes or applying any complementary therapies.
About the Author
Zsuzsa Szatmári – Dementia Caregiver, Mental Health Assistant
I have more than 12 years of practical experience in caring for elderly people and patients living with dementia. My goal is to translate knowledge about dementia into understandable, practical advice that can be applied in daily life, thereby helping families live together with the disease. As the author of several professional books and the founder of a popular Facebook page, my mission is to provide clear and, above all, usable guidance to all those who care for loved ones living with dementia.